The Games sees six female and six male celebs take on each other and, inevitably, their fears, in a series of sporting challenges including the canoe slalom, 100m hurdles and javelin.
And while the actual sport is entertaining enough, you have to battle through an awful lot of guff to get there.
First, there’s George Ezra singing, then hosts Holly Willoughby and Andrew Flintoff tell us what happened last night, before the stars – including a Spice Girl’s daughter, Strictly’s Kevin from Grimsby and a Thomas brother – are introduced.
Once you’ve waded through all that, and an awkward chat with a pundit, you might get a VT of an Emmerdale actor falling off a bike before the first ad break.
There’s still time for some off-colour gags from Flintoff in the studio ‘pod’, and then you might get an event – most of which are recorded, which makes you wonder why show it live at all when it could just have been edited into two one-hour shows to be flung on at a bank holiday weekend.
For me, the appeal of Superstars was seeing sportspeople who seemed so sure of themselves, so adept in their chosen fields, being woefully inadequate in another; whether it was Kevin Keegan falling off a bike, or Daley Thompson being squat-thrusted into oblivion by blonde dynamo Brian Jacks.
With these celebs, you just feel proud of them for finishing. Which is how I felt when I got through five episodes.
These days, you can get your DNA tested to see where – way back in mists of time – you may have come from. DNA Family Secrets (BBC2, Weds, 9pm) is just that, with added Stacey Dooley. You don’t get the time to become invested in the people’s stories, and any revelations seem personal, rather than universal.
Back when I was young, just after the Falklands War, a couple of programmes made an impression on my malleable mind – The Paras, and Royal Marines: Behind the Lines. Commando: Britain’s Ocean Warriors (BBC2, Sun, 8pm) covers much the same ground, but is fascinating, nonetheless.