Who’s The Daddy?: Going back to school is a massive learning curve

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Back to school. As phrases go it’s about as welcome as ‘Sorry your card has been declined’, ‘It’s time for your smear test’ and ‘It’s not you, it’s me’.

Oh there’s been some chuckles on Twitter over the summer as supermarket staff with a pin-sharp sense of humour or learning difficulties end up with pictures plastered over the internet of their back to school bunting dangled over shelves of wine/bags of johnnies/racks of nine-inch carving knives, but apart from that it’s no laughing matter.

Six weeks of getting up when they want means we haven’t seen daughter #1 much before noon since mid-July. And when she is eventually vertical it’s safest not to risk eye contact until she’s scoffed a bowl of cereal, usually with all the decorum of a starving donkey eating a bag of carrots.

Personally, I think six weeks is too long for kids to be out of school. Just think, when you come back to work after a two-week holiday spent baking your brains out on a sun lounger all day and slugging the all-you-can-drink all-inclusive booze all night you more or less need to be trained again from scratch.

Imagine the state of a child’s brain after six weeks of TV, late nights, fizzy pop and 12-hour lie-ins.

And then some poor teacher’s got to have a go at teaching them about scree slope formation and valencies.

Good luck with that, pal. I’ll bring the six-inch nails and a hammer if you get the jelly and together we’ll nail it to the wall. It’ll be much easier and far more rewarding.

Peter Kay used to say that as a child, after six weeks off school he’d forgotten how to write. He was only half joking. After six weeks of shuffling around like a zombie most kids have forgotten how to dress themselves and speak.

No word of a lie, our normally bright-as-a-button daughter #2 has asked more than once what day it was. Last time she thought it was Saturday when in actual fact it was Monday.

Both our kids have had half-hearted dry runs at getting up before Jeremy Kyle starts.

But alarm clocks are easy to switch off in August – impossible in September. When our kids don’t want to do something they move like glaciers.

Anyway, hope your back to school day went well. It’s like transfer deadline day on Sky Sports News but with more screaming.