Who’s the Daddy? column

Hot pot.
Hot pot.

Without wishing to upset the shrieking offendotrons who spend their lives looking for things to be outraged by, living in a house with three ovulating females is no picnic.

Dads with daughters, back me up on this because I need a friendly ear. There’s a battle to be won here and we are getting our backsides handed to us on a plate every day of our lives.

We lost control of the TV remote some years ago, our precious record collections have been hidden away like buried treasure and football is a four-letter word.

Our TV planners are clogged up with endless episodes of something called Dance Moms (which is every bit as horrific as the title suggests), Broadchurch and Bastille’s live performances on MTV some time in 2012.

I’ve requested full body armour for the warzone that is dinner in our house. Because the best chefs are men (ladies, deal with it, you know it’s true) and my working day starts at 2pm, the task of feeding everyone has fallen to yours truly.

It’s a bit like The Krypton Factor meets MasterChef because there are very few things everyone in our family will eat without pulling a face.

This limits the menu somewhat. If our kids had their way they’d have Pot Noodle and chips every night. They’d be dead by the age of 30 but at least there’d be no earache at the dinner table night after sodding night.

How does this sound? Hotpot with diced swede, carrots, parsnips and diced beef in home-made onion gravy topped off with sliced Maris Piper potatoes that’s been simmering in a slow cooker for five hours. Yeah, I thought that as well.

After cooking this on Monday I got a text at work from daughter #1 which read: “Can we not have hotpot for a while?” In my defence, we’ve had it four times this winter.

I’m nothing if not reasonable, so I asked our daughters to draw up a list of 10 things they’ll eat in the hope of creating some sort of teatime Venn diagram which at its intersection will contain the Holy Grail of a few dinners that everyone likes.

Until they get bored of them all and we go through this pantomime again.