Drinky drinky drink drink, boozy boozy booze booze, glug glug glug glug gluggy glug glug. Please enjoy responsibly.
You know, I’d have a little more respect for the drinks industry if it was more honest in its adverts. Especially at Christmas.
Instead of showing us gaggles of giggly-boobed young ladies and bearded, chiselled hunks sipping on whatever brand of firewater some booze jockey’s flogging and having the time of their lives in bars waaaaay too cool for the likes of you and me, why not give us a little reality? Go on, it’s Christmas.
You know what I’d like to see on a booze advert? The look on the actor’s face as he wakes up and tries to piece together his memories of the night before’s office party through the fog of a world-class hangover.
Okay, so it might turn out to be a homage to The Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch Up video but I’d watch it til the rewind button broke on my Sky+ handset.
But I’d go one further.
As well as printing the alcohol content on the label of each bottle, why not print some other handy information as well?
Fag manufacturers have been forced to print stuff that more or less says, ‘There’s a good chance you’ll die early if you get hooked on our product’ for years. So why not print the risks on bottles of booze?
Here’s one for starters. ‘This bottle contains 680 calories. Don’t drink too much or you’ll get fat’.
Or how about ‘You might think you’re Bill Hicks after a few beers, but here’s what your best friends won’t tell you. The drink turns you into a crashing bore’.
That’s not to say alcohol isn’t nice. It is. It’s too nice, that’s the problem. And it’s everywhere.
In supermarkets, corner shops, 6ft-high adverts at bus stops, on footballers’ shirts and in well tasty offers in ads in our newspapers.
And it’s cheap. It’s oh so cheap. Especially at this time of year down the shops. And there’s no one to stop you.
You can buy as much as you like.
Anyway. Sermon over.
Do what you want, I’m not your dad.
Have a happy Christmas and I’ll see you all in the New Year.