Who’s The Daddy? column

George Osbourne.
George Osbourne.

We just got back off our holidays, here’s a few things that puzzled me while we were away.

1. People who buy and then read newspapers.

Fifty weeks a year I love newspapers. But one of the reasons I go abroad on holiday is to forget about the likes of Gideon Osborne and his wet-lipped, public schoolboy chums in Government who are screwing us over every day by infringing our liberties and robbing us blind.

While I’m chilling by the pool in the sunshine, the last thing I want to read is a lecture on austerity from a Chancellor with limitless personal wealth.

Same goes for people updating their Facebook status and Twitter feeds on their smartphones.

Ever heard the expression getting away from it all? You pay thousands to do just that. So why don’t you do it?

Try talking to the people you’re on holiday with. While you’re all free of distractions, you might remember why you love them.

2. Full-Kit W***ers.

One sight you can more or less guarantee in the snaking security queue at Manchester Airport at any time of day or night is a grown man (usually with a paunch and sparrow legs) dressed head to toe in a polyester horror show of his favourite football team’s replica kit which rushed him in excess of £100. Shirt. Shorts. Socks. The lot. And nine times out of 10, Liverpool.

And he’d be wearing shin pads and football boots with screw-in studs if he wasn’t worried they’d set off the security alarms.

I’m guessing that’s not a good idea at an airport predominantly staffed by Mancs.

3. Squealing, self-entitled toddlers at dinner, by the pool, at the beach or on the plane who couldn’t make any more of a racket if they were drowning or on fire.

Their over-indulgent mums and dads have got a lot to answer for.

I have a £300 pair of noise-cancelling headphones which can mute a war zone at the flick of a switch.

They paid for themselves within five minutes of their first plane journey. Kid, you can scream and scream and scream until you’re sick. I can’t hear a thing.