Who’s The Daddy? column

A dishwasher.
A dishwasher.

Here’s a piece of advice that you’d all do well to take.

If you’ve got a dishwasher, whatever you do don’t try and shut it with your foot to save bending over and pulling something nasty in your back.

And if you do, don’t get your toes snagged in the door handle and hop around for five seconds like some sort of Chuckle Brothers routine before crashing to the ground. Let me tell you, it hurts a lot when you land on your shoulder.

What hurts even more is the reaction of your family who will, if they’re anything like mine, run into the kitchen after hearing a loud bang and expect to see one of the kitchen cupboards on the floor, see you instead and laugh themselves hoarse.

Daughter #1 couldn’t breathe for 30 seconds she was laughing so hard. I thought I might have to accompany her to A&E, me with a dislocated shoulder and her with a dislocated jaw.

The boss and daughter #2 did well to chew the inside of their cheeks and avoid eye contact with each other (and me) when they saw my terminal embarrassment.

Anyway, time runs much slower than normal during accidents, and as the kitchen floor came up to meet me on my way to the deck, this thought popped into my head. At what age do people say that someone has “had a fall” as opposed to just plain old “fallen over”?

Turns out the answer to that question is 44.

Welcome to old age, sir. We’ve been expecting you for some time now. Your Zimmer frame and Tena undies are next to your pipe and slippers in front of your bathchair by the fire. European music festivals? Bundesliga football matches?

Half-marathons? Expensive bicycles which cost more than you paid for cars in your twenties? Those pursuits are for young men, sir. Have a word with yourself, you’re embarrassing your children.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the long list of recommendations you get when you log on to Amazon makes yours truly appear to be an old lady with a houseful of cats and a gramophone.

Out of 50 recommendations, 48 were for cat flea treatment and the other two were vinyl albums from the early 1990s. Heaven help me.