Who’s The Daddy column

A sleeping cat.
A sleeping cat.

Cats eh, what are they like?

A very wise man once said to me that everybody loves kittens but nobody likes cats.

Just over four years ago the boss saw a mouse scuttling across our lounge floor and screamed her head off like Mammy Two Shoes in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

The nice man from Rentokil (after he laid traps and killed a load) said the best way to keep mice away is to get a cat. Better still, get two. That way they keep each other company.

Four years down the line me and the boss effectively work to keep house for two largely ungrateful tom cat brothers who live like they’re on Channel 4’s Benefits Street – up all night, sleep all day, doing slightly less than sod all while someone else (me) foots the bill for their kibble and catnip.

Cats do have a ridiculous sense of self-entitlement and are always on the wrong side of a door. We spend our evenings playing the In-Out Cat Game where the cats take turns to climb behind the hi-fi and TV knocking cables out, which in cat-speak means, “I’m bored. Let me out.”

So out they go and 15 minutes later they’re banging on the front window with their little paws, demanding to be let back in again and fed. Now.

The angrier of the two has a little black dot on his chin, and when he thumps on the window with his right paw while glaring through the glass like a maniac he has the demented look of Adolf Hitler at a Nuremberg rally – hence his nickname, Kitler.

Some people think it would be a good idea to develop an animal translator so you could understand exactly what your pet is saying when they bark, meow, squawk or squeak at you.

Scientists don’t need to bother when it comes to cats because they only ever say three things, or at least ours do.

1. Let me in. 2. Let me out. 3. Feed me.

Everything else is a variation on a theme, with a few feline expletives thrown in for good measure.

We did think about fitting a cat flap to let them come and go as they please but we figured they’d invite all their cat mates round and have noisy parties like those ones on the news that get advertised on Facebook where 500 people turn up and everything “just got out of hand.”