Parents of toddlers, you don’t know you’re born. Compared with those of us currently raising teenagers, you’ve got it easy.
Oh there’s the small matter of being up with the birds, being yelled at by a 2ft 10in drill sergeant all day and watching hours of TV shows that look like they were made for people with brain injuries.
Don’t worry, we went through all that 10 years ago so you can put your violins away right now.
But let me tell you from experience, entertaining toddlers is a doddle compared with keeping your teenage children happy during the endless school summer holidays.
When your kids are in nappies then a walk up the park and a go on the swings is a great morning out. Add in an ice cream and it’s basically Christmas morning.
Also you meet all your mumsy friends most days and have a good old moan together on the playground benches about how knackered you all are. My heart bleeds, etc etc.
Last weekend I was set the task of entertaining our daughters aged 15 and 13 while the boss was away celebrating her birthday with her twin sister in Amsterdam and all our kids’ friends were out of the country on holiday.
A similar challenge was rejected by The Krypton Factor in the 1980s because the show’s producers said it was impossible.
The following options were all offered and rejected out of hand by daughters #1 and #2. Ice skating, skiing, shopping in Manchester, bowling, the beach on a sunny day, paintballing, water park and the fairground.
See what I’m up against? In the end we settled on Blackpool. They wanted to go shopping while as a fan of gallows humour I’d watch the troubled Seasiders play Rochdale at Bloomfield Road.
But hang on, what’s this? On the way daughter #1 checked ticket prices on her phone. Turns out they’re £25 for adults. Last time I went to watch Bayern Munich it cost 15 euros.
I’ve heard all the arguments about clubs’ running costs and I’m not kicking Blackpool while they’re down because that’s what other teams in their division charge.
But gallows humour or not, if they think I’m paying that to watch third division football they’re having a laugh. So we all went to Nando’s instead.