Learning to make money from good school reports

Picture: PA Wire
Picture: PA Wire

If I’ve taught our daughters one thing, I hope it is how to think on their feet. And judging by their latest moneymaking enterprise, my efforts seem to have been a success.

Aged 15 and 12, they have learned how to monetize their school reports.

Beauty and brains is a deadly combination so watch our world, here they come.

In the past couple of weeks they’ve brought home reports that would make Stephen Hawking blush.

They are littered with comments such as “excellent work ethic” and “commendation for excellent progress” along with stellar expected GCSE grades.

And now they want paying. Between them they agreed that 20 of your English pounds is adequate recompense for their labour. In folding cash. And can they have it now please because they’re off to see The Vaccines in Manchester.

Doing well at school is a lot less hassle than not doing well at school. But as well as learning about the electromagnetic spectrum and manipulating and processing data, wouldn’t it be a good idea to learn about stuff you actually need to know?

Here’s my exam question. It’s a toughie so you’ll need the full three hours. The use of calculators and teary phone calls to mum and dad are permitted.

Question 1. After completing your McDegree aged 21, the zero-hours contract job you’d have been qualified for at 16 pays £6.50 an hour. In a good week you get 30 hours’ work. Taking into account you don’t earn anywhere near enough to start repaying your £27,000 tuition fees or £12,000 student loan yet calculate how much money you’ve got left to live on every day after you’ve paid council tax, £300 monthly rent on your grotty flat and £43.50 a month watertight, two-year iPhone six contract.

But to be serious for once, schools should teach kids how to live on the minimum wage, because they’re going to need all the help they can get so they can eventually move out and mum and dad can go on those term-time skiing holidays.

Stuff like how to wallpaper, change a plug, fix a leaky tap, live on a weekly food budget of £20 and arguing with debt collection agencies will come in handy.