John Halewood-Dodd column: Keeping a stiff upper lip

John Halewood Dodd
John Halewood Dodd

A number of colleagues and I decided to get involved in ‘Movember’ this year in an effort to raise funds for local Cancer Care charities.

I tried to persuade everyone at work to join in and commend my male colleagues who agreed.

Disappointingly, the females were somewhat reluctant, even though one or two of them clearly had a headstart in the art of moustache growing!

I thought it would be a simple way of raising money as we have to do no more than keep the razor away from our top lips. If only that were true.

We are less than half way through this ordeal and it’s proving much more troublesome than anticipated.

For the first week there’s anxiety as with any new project as to whether it will get off the ground.

The initial shoots are encouraged and the grower cultivates them as if they were the most fragile of precious orchids.

Then a few days in the first disappointment as it soon becomes clear that this ‘tach is going to be patchier than a rat with mange.

How can one bit of lip be superbly fertile when the adjoining area is as barren as the tundra?

If the patchiness were not bad enough the next cause for concern is the inconsistency of colour.

I have brown hair and, my punk rock days aside, have always had brown hair.

How then, does my moustache have black bits, ginger bits and of most concern, grey bits?

It resembles one of Bagpuss’s earlobes.

Moustaches may look ridiculous and in my case I accept the not so witty comparisons to Borat, German dictators, 70s porn stars, and even one half of the Chuckle Brothers – Barry, if you were sad enough to wonder which one – but come midnight on November 30 mine will be gone, and hopefully a few quid will have been raised.

As the saying goes, ‘hair today, gone tomorrow’.

Incidentally, any donations would be appreciated.