Who's the Daddy: I need some homework help

Our daughters were still at primary school when they swapped numbers for letters in maths for the first time. They opened their workbooks, that familiar queasy feeling came back and I saw the look of disappointment in their eyes for the first time.

So I’d say aged nine, possibly eight. After that, they might as well have asked the dog for help. Apart from being able to string a sentence together, I’m as thick as a castle wall. Secondary school homework? Forget it. And as for daughter #1’s university assignments, the questions look like an absolute word salad, legal jargon on the end of an iPhone software update that everyone blindly scrolls through before pressing “I agree”.

The most assistance I provide is a proofreading service to look out for daft typos.

The most recent one wasn’t even a question, more of a scenario, and involved Jordan’s Ballon D’Or French football factory. Spanish football importer Xavi tells Jordan they’re too pricey for the Spanish market, as imported sports gear doesn’t qualify for the Healthy Lifestyle Products tax relief scheme. Germans could afford them, but they’re 25 per cent synthetic and Germany has no facility to recycle them. Then there’s Virgil, a Dutch zero-hours contract factory worker who was rejected for minimum subsistence allowance on the grounds that he’s not French... Glazed over yet? Basically, it’s all about EU laws surrounding tax and how to get around them. Boring but potentially lucrative.

The follow-up question for five points is a tort law scenario in which Arthur and Trillian have several potential claims in negligence against Zaphod (this tutor’s an absolute name-dropper) after potentially life-changing accidents in his cafe.

There comes a time when every parent becomes obsolete, apart from life-threatening emergencies, when your kids run short of cash or they need their washing done.

And mine was at 3.19pm on May 9, 2021 when the first email dropped.