Lessons for life you’ll never be taught in school

On the whole, politicians are liars and thieves. Voting is a waste of time. Here’s one example. Austerity for us, 10% pay rises for them. Backdated to May 8.

The average house price is around £200,000, the biggest asset you will ever own. In a lifetime you’ll pay around £600,000 in taxes. We are being farmed.

Most of what you are taught in high school is meaningless, irrelevant bulls***. Work is much more interesting. And you get paid.

Having said that. Work. It’s just a job. Don’t be a martyr. The day you leave they’ll get somebody else, for less money. And you’ll be forgotten within five minutes.

Read the papers. Don’t watch too much TV. The only reason TV shows are made is to keep you watching until the next ad break when the world’s best salesmen make you want sparkly tat you don’t need.

Don’t buy things you can’t afford. Unless it’s a house or ruinously expensive hi-fi equipment. In which case, go for your life.

When your wife worries about getting bikini body ready for her holiday, tell her this. Buy a bikini, go on holiday, put it on. You’re ready.

Wine, women and song. Not necessarily in that order. Don’t smoke. It may look cool but you’ll always be skint, you’ll stink of stale fags and you’ll die in agony of cancer.

Get eight hours sleep a night. Eat breakfast. Eat your greens or you will die. And get riotously drunk once in a while. It does you good. You can’t win every time. Sometimes you have to settle for a draw.

Don’t spend more than you earn. This will save you a lot of bother. And interest payments. And stop buying stuff you don’t need. Seriously, stop it.

Try not to make the same mistake twice. Good luck with that.

Run around at least five times a week. It will do you more good than you can ever imagine.

The only person you can totally trust is yourself. See your friends as often as you can and laugh your head off.