Three weeks after being told to stay indoors and only go out for exercise once a day, it's hard to say what will kill us first - coronavirus or Type 2 diabetes.
When this nightmare is over we'll be a nation of hirsute, barrel-chested, muffin-topped, moon-faced alcoholics, bellowing down the phone to salons and gyms: "Please, take my money!"
Do you know any women who sport their natural hair colour? I think I know of one. But in the next few weeks we'll all see plenty as the luscious glory many think nothing of spending half a week's wages on every couple of months reverts to its natural hue - mousey brown.
Another thing that's weird is the number of multimillion-pound businesses being run from kitchen tables and spare bedrooms now, as people very quickly get used to working from home.
This crisis has proved that our know-it-all kids were right all along when they moaned about the wonky broadband on holiday, the internet isn't a luxury. Turns out it's a utility every bit as important as gas, electricity and water.
Our daughters have swapped full-time higher education for full-time supermarket work, so much so that when everyone stands on their doorstep at 8pm on a Thursday night to cheer the country's key workers, they aren't sure whether to join in or take a bow.
It was nice of our multimillionaire Queen to spare us a few moments last weekend, to give us a lecture on self-discipline and resolve from the comfort of her own private castle - that we all pay for.
At a time when Premier League footballers are getting their backsides kicked from Saturday to Sunday for not tipping up a cut of their six-figure weekly wages to fight this horrible virus, a few hundred million Royal pounds to fund research into a vaccine that could save countless lives would've been a lot more welcome than a pat on the back.