How the Queen could earn a clap

A few weeks after lockdown ends and we get our lives back, every hairdresser, beautician and personal trainer you know will be driving around in Ferraris and Lamborghinis.

Monday, 13th April 2020, 9:46 am
Life in the lockdown

Three weeks after being told to stay indoors and only go out for exercise once a day, it's hard to say what will kill us first - coronavirus or Type 2 diabetes.

When this nightmare is over we'll be a nation of hirsute, barrel-chested, muffin-topped, moon-faced alcoholics, bellowing down the phone to salons and gyms: "Please, take my money!"

Do you know any women who sport their natural hair colour? I think I know of one. But in the next few weeks we'll all see plenty as the luscious glory many think nothing of spending half a week's wages on every couple of months reverts to its natural hue - mousey brown.

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Another thing that's weird is the number of multimillion-pound businesses being run from kitchen tables and spare bedrooms now, as people very quickly get used to working from home.

This crisis has proved that our know-it-all kids were right all along when they moaned about the wonky broadband on holiday, the internet isn't a luxury. Turns out it's a utility every bit as important as gas, electricity and water.

Our daughters have swapped full-time higher education for full-time supermarket work, so much so that when everyone stands on their doorstep at 8pm on a Thursday night to cheer the country's key workers, they aren't sure whether to join in or take a bow.

It was nice of our multimillionaire Queen to spare us a few moments last weekend, to give us a lecture on self-discipline and resolve from the comfort of her own private castle - that we all pay for.

At a time when Premier League footballers are getting their backsides kicked from Saturday to Sunday for not tipping up a cut of their six-figure weekly wages to fight this horrible virus, a few hundred million Royal pounds to fund research into a vaccine that could save countless lives would've been a lot more welcome than a pat on the back.