Lancaster restaurant boss supports national ‘empty chairs’ campaign in memory of brother

Kay Backhouse, from Morecambe, will have a seat dedicated to her brother Syd at a dining table surrounded by 13 empty chairs at a special exhibition taking place in Leeds this week, encouraging people to offer those that are grieving a seat at their table.

Choosing to remember her brother by displaying a model racing car at his dedicated seat at the dining table, Kay said: "Syd was a car fanatic.

"He was cremated in his racing suit, and idolised the racing driver, Ayrton Senna, even naming his son after him. Being part of this exhibition is my opportunity to remember Syd, but also to help others who are grieving.

"Grief is such a complex, emotive and personal topic. I have come to realise that grief never ends, but we can grow around our grief.

"I wanted to be involved in this campaign, because the more we can talk about this topic - which will affect everyone at some stage in their lives - the more normalised it can become.

"Connecting with others and talking about our loved ones after they have died can bring real comfort.”

Syd, died at Sue Ryder Manorlands Hospice in Oxenhope near Keighley in February 2019, aged just 35, after being diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

Kay now runs Sydney's in Lancaster, as well as a restaurant in Settle of the same name - both named after her brother.

Alongside Syd’s seat at the table will be chairs dedicated to loved ones being remembered by other families supported by Sue Ryder across the country, and Sue Ryder celebrity supporters Lisa Riley, Gail Porter and Lottie Tomlinson.

Sue Ryder’s research found three quarters (72%) of people who have experienced a bereavement skip meals because they don’t like eating alone and three-fifths (59%) of grieving people said that being invited over for dinner helped with their grief.

The charity hopes by highlighting how hard mealtimes are in reinforcing feelings of loss and loneliness for those who are grieving, more people will offer support by inviting others around for a meal or offering a seat at their table, so no one has to go through grief alone.

Sue Ryder has launched the campaign as part of its wider Grief Kind movement – which looks to equip people with the knowledge and tools to be able to meet grief with warmth and acceptance rather than shying away from open conversations.

The charity is calling for friends or family to be Grief Kind, making mealtimes easier for those grieving, with 59% of people saying they would find it helpful if people invited them over for dinner.

Bianca Neumann, head of bereavement at Sue Ryder, said: “If you are supporting someone through grief, why not offer them a seat at your dinner table. It may be that the person declines your offer or cancels at the last minute, but it’s important to be understanding and patient.

"Grief affects people in different ways and they may wake up feeling excited to see you but by the afternoon feel unable to attend.”

“My advice would be to continue to offer a place at your dinner table and to be led by the grieving person. Over the meal you can ask questions like ‘would you like to talk about how you are doing?’ If they say yes, then starting conversations with open questions such as ‘what was your favourite meal together?’ or ‘do you have a special memory that you’d like to share?’.

"Some people may like to raise a toast to the person who died but not talk about them any further and make space for normal conversations that you may have, and that’s okay too.

“Research shows that events like coming together to share a meal increase the levels of oxytocin, which creates a sense of belonging and safety, making them feel less alone. This can be particularly helpful if you are feeling isolated in your grief.

“Sue Ryder is encouraging the nation to be Grief Kind and to meet grief with warmth and acceptance instead of shying away from conversations. To find out more about our campaign, search Sue Ryder Grief Kind.”