Who’s the Daddy column?

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Not that anyone listens to a word I say, but if you read this then there’s a fighting chance we might all make it through Christmas in one piece.

1. If you’re spending money you haven’t really got, buying presents for people you don’t like, that they don’t even want, then there is still time for this madness to stop. It’s only December 11.

2. Buying gifts for your grown-up siblings? Is there a money tree in your garden? Start a you-don’t-buy-for-me-and-I-don’t-buy-for-you policy now, otherwise it’ll end up like the Arms Race during the Cold War.

3. For the love of God, DO NOT borrow money to buy Christmas presents. If you need a payday loan or an overdraft extension to buy a PS4 for your kid then please, please, please don’t buy one.

4. Christmas is on December 25 every year. Stop feigning surprise about how quickly it comes around. It’s a bit late for this year but from January 2015 save some money every month and by next Christmas what you’ve got in your pot is your budget. And stick to it. No excuses.

5. If you worry about paying heating bills yet you buy presents for your pets then there is no hope for you. Ask yourself this question: Do they know it’s Christmas? I think we all know the answer to that.

6. Do you remember what you got for Christmas last year? Course you don’t. So stop worrying about what you’re buying this year.

7. Whatever you give or receive this Christmas will not change your life, so stop thinking your gifts will magic it all better. It won’t, unless it’s a new kidney. Then it will.

8. The best things in life are free. Seriously, they are. Instead of spending a small fortune on your partner that you’ll still be paying off at Easter, do that thing they like.

9. Okay, okay, some marketing genius working for a booze company came up with this slogan but it’s true. It’s not what’s under the tree that matters, it’s who’s around it. 10. The shops are shut for one day. There is no impending zombie apocalypse. There is no need to stockpile food mountains and beer lakes.

11. Have a happy Christmas. Seriously, I mean it.