Who’s The Daddy? column

Glastonbury Festival.
Glastonbury Festival.

If you’re going to a music festival this summer, here’s a list of 10 things that WILL happen.

1. You might not act your age but your wife will certainly remind you of it before you go, and while she’s at it she’ll also tell you to not to cane it like you used to because you’re not as young as you once were.

Listen to her. The lady knows you better than you know yourself.

2. At one point, probably on a sunny Saturday afternoon while Bombay Bicycle Club are on, you and your beer buddies will lie around and talk about jacking in your jobs and houses and living the festival lifestyle full-time.

You are fooling nobody, pal.

These days you’re a domesticated house cat, you haven’t been a big sexy tiger for quite some time.

3. You’ll go to the toilet in places you wouldn’t normally fly-tip an old mattress.

4. By bedtime on Saturday night/Sunday morning your back will ache like you’ve been kicked by a horse and your feet will hurt so much you’d willingly pay the festival ticket price for a nice cup of tea and a sit down in the warm. Duh, you’re a feckless office drone who isn’t used to being on their feet all day. What did you expect?

5. It WILL rain and you WILL get wet.

6. Once the sun goes in, even after the hottest day of the year, it goes very, very cold very, very quickly. Go and stand outside your front door at 1am for an hour in your shorts, a T-shirt and flip-flops. See? Brrrrrr!

7. Sleep? Forget it. You’ll be lucky if you get 10 hours all weekend.

8. You’ll see a lot of bands over three days. Most will be crushingly average, at least one will be so horribly out of place they were surely booked in error (think Daphne and Celeste getting bottled off at Reading in 2000) and if you’re lucky, one will blow your brains out. Last weekend at the Hurricane Festival in Germany we had three. Arcade Fire, Pixies and The Black Keys.

9. By Sunday, you’ll stink. But so will everybody else, so don’t worry.

10. And by Sunday night it’ll feel like an endurance test. But you survived and now you’ve earned the right to bore everybody about it.