Flaming August has arrived and so has the time to banish all traces of pallidity in Italia.
Italians revere a good old fashioned tan. To hell with the Melanoma or wattled skin.
Get yourself out there lads and lasses and bronze away.
August is the month when Italians go on holiday in their thousands and head to the most crowded beaches they can find.
If you like that ‘canned sardine’ effect, then on you go to one of Italy’s hot spots.
However, be warned, you will be expected to expose your flesh, and you d better have spent the previous ten years banishing the cellulite and brown spots.
Italians are gregarious by nature, so they will flock to any busy bar or restaurant and be suspicious of the modest and quiet trattoria round the corner.
This is where to head if you are more introverted.
Quick. Come on, before the cast of thousands descend on you.
You may, of course instigate this eatery’s immense popularity, just by being the first to head there.
If they think you look cool, they will soon follow on.
If you actually decided to fry on the beach with the best of them, I suggest you switch your phone off and be prepared to go grey.
This is not expected to be a short visit, which you will realise from the exorbitant prices for a sun lounger. No.
You are expected to lie there all day and enjoy the screeches, whoops and general alto volume on display.
And what do you propose to wear on the beach?
That nice floral swimsuit from Asda? Fashion alert.
It might clash with the sun lounger (besides you would be donning far too much).
No time to be coy.
Just whip off most of your clothing and be done with it. If you find that putting on your costume is akin to squeezing a duvet into a very small bag, this may well be a blessing in disguise.
And, should it all get too much, try Skegness instead.