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Present tense? It's in the bag
IT'S over, finally over. After months and months and months of semi-permanent darkness, horizontal freezing rain and biting winds that cut you in half, when you sniff the air it has the sweet, sweet smell of spring. Ahhhhhhhh.
Before we had kids, the only season that I was bothered about was the football season. The year ran from August to May as far as I was concerned and if I wanted some sunshine instead of the dishwater skies of North West England that we get for 11 months and two weeks then I paid for it and jumped on a plane to the sun.
But since November 1999 and May 2002 when our reasons for living were born we realised that kids are happier and, more importantly, easier to entertain when they're outside and not bouncing off the walls of your house which feels smaller and smaller with every year as your kids get bigger and bigger.
Back in the day we put the miles in round Williamson Park, paying our dues shoving prams and buggies in the filthiest weather the heavens could throw at us. But once the clocks went forward and nature flexed its muscles and it stopped being dark at tea-time, having little kids was a hundred times
easier because they could play outside for hours on end.
You see, if you're not careful kids can be brought up by the three-headed monster of the Disney Channel, Nick Jr and CBBC. Before we knew where we were one schoolnight last week our kids had switched off their brains for two hours and had greedily consumed 120 minutes of total, joyless, pointless nonsense – two hours of their lives that they'll never get back and will never remember.
Having said that, sometimes you need half a pound of Semtex to shift them away from the
clutches of the one-eyed idiot box, especially when you need the pair of them to get dressed for a trip into town to choose and buy the woman who gave birth to them a well-deserved present for Mother's Day.
They howled, they moaned, they pulled their faces, they went stiff, they went floppy, they went silent, they hissed insults, they bargained, they pleaded. Then when they knew the game was up they rolled their eyes, then they stomped noisily up the stairs and chucked stuff about in their bedrooms.
A full 20 minutes later we were ready for the 90-second drive to town and the hurried last-minute purchase of a gift for their mother what loves 'em.
Being women-in-training they instinctively knew what to buy – a gift that every self-respecting woman in the world could find a use for... a handbag.
Okay, a handbag it was then. Now to me and every man reading this, when you've seen one
handbag you've seen the lot, right? WRONG.
After looking at, picking up and prodding 50 bags in one shop (which must remain nameless) they decided that they were all rubbish and couldn't see their mum hawking one of them round town tucked underneath her arm, full of all the crap they can't be bothered lugging about.
The shop next door was a different story entirely. There were so many mum-bags they couldn't
decide which one was THE ONE. Their heads were spinning at the sheer wonderment, but after 10
minutes of pondering they picked one – each.
So, as always, it was down to me to referee. The only problem was that I didn't have an opinion. One was bright red and leather, the other boho chic that looked like something Yoko Ono would have owned when she met John Lennon.
I'm sure their mum would have been delighted if they'd stuck some glitter on a Tesco carrier bag and handed it to her – because it was from her babies.
But even in these recession-hit times, and before we're all living rough on the streets of Lancaster by the end of the summer and fighting tramps for the last few drops of Brasso in the tin, we might as well spend it while we've got it.
So after a minor argument I decided to let them fight it out – and they went for the flash red one and up we went to the counter to pay.
My usual request for a cash discount was, unbelievably, denied (even though it never, ever hurts to ask. I've saved hundreds and hundreds down the years and a moment's embarrassment is instantly eased with a discount here and there) and so 30 lighter and a bag heavier we were off home to give the booty to mum. She loved it. Really loved it. It was something she'd have even picked herself, she said. So now we've got two little present-buying experts I'll be calling on their talents for our
wedding anniversary next week.
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Weather for Lancaster
Friday 10 February 2012
Today
Light rain
Temperature: -1 C to 3 C
Wind Speed: 22 mph
Wind direction: South east
Tomorrow
Cloudy
Temperature: 1 C to 2 C
Wind Speed: 10 mph
Wind direction: South east
